Self-Indulgence & Getting "IT" Together

I've noticed lately that every time someone asks what I'm doing in Madrid, the conversation spirals into this (only seemingly, I hope) self-indulgent monologue. Checkmark all of the wonderful, soul-searching clichés:

• I've wanted to live in Spain for years!
• I never liked my career path!
• I don't want to work in an office; I want to sing!
• I wanted to try something different!
• The time was right in my life!

Blah, blah, bullshit...you get the point. Yep, I moved here exclusively for me. Helping some little ones learn to speak American (yeah, I said it - I am a language and culture assistant) is just a bonus. I know that may sound profoundly self-centered and selfish, but the point of it is really that I'm in a perpetual state of "getting myself together." I'm pretty sure that for approximately the last 6 years of my life (give or take just as many), anytime I catch up with a friend, no matter my mood, I conclude with, "ya know, just tryna get it together!" And I'm fine with that. I don't always make the best choices for getting "it" together...and oftentimes I realize that I'm not even exactly sure what "it" is...sheesh. But I have to try - and I do know that everything about my experience here is enriching the effort, just like everything before I got here led me up to the decision to come here. Whoa. I just made myself dizzy.

So, one of my latest efforts: an songwriting class. My left and right brains are probably both highly annoyed with me, but I know that my comfort zone for expanding my skillset tends to be in a classroom setting. I have made timid, feeble attempts at songwriting for years now, but always gave up or shoved them away in disgust and disappointment. A couple years ago, a dear friend sent me some instrumental tracks and asked me to write to them. He rebuffed my lyrics with irritation because they weren't songs...and it hit me: I don't understand this. I fully understanding that trial and error is the only true way to improve, but once I got serious about it trying, I accepted that I needed to satisfy that left-brain need to take some tests and get some grades. Maybe I'm feeding the wrong beast here, but I'm gathering my things, making progress...slowly but surely.